Prayer

Sometimes I feel worse after I pray. I mean, I'd love to tell you that every time I pray that I end up feeling like a great person. Sometimes that happens because I feel good about myself for doing something (praying) that I was supposed to do. That in itself has its own problems.

Spending time with God has a certain effect: it lets you realize how screwed up you are. It's like me playing basketball against Lebron James. I'd look like quite a schmuck. When I spend time with God, my whole idea that I walk around with quite a bit - that I'm pretty alright and I have a few peckadillos I need to iron out - is ruined. Spending time with God shows me that I have some serious crap to address. Only He is good.

Hymn #101

This is just a well-written song. The whole thing. It's called "Hymn #101." Songwriters (this is Joe Pug) and songs like this don't come around all that often. Listen, you'll see what I mean.

I Can't Get No...

I'm never satisfied. It's a real disease.

I'm always trying to push things forward and do the most important thing ever in the history of the world. The problem is that what God has for me might not be that. It might just be to clean toilets or wash cars for the rest of my life. I need to be alright with that, but I'm usually not.

And when I try to make up something for myself to do that is the most important thing ever, it doesn't end up being the most important thing...ever. It's just a feeble attempt by me to be and feel important and useful.

The only reason I'm useful is because God says I am - because he made me to do something specific. If I do that, then I'll be doing the most important thing ever in the history of the world - being faithful to what God asks.

The Middle East - The Darkest Side

One of my favorite songs, probably of all time, words and all: "The Darkest Side" by The Middle East. I think they are describing love: "It's the darkest side of my heart that dies when you come to me/And it's the golden ticket I win when you kill my enemies...Oh, when I die I'm alive/When I lose I find my identity...Love, it was alive in the olden days/Been put to death in this golden age/By a color TV."

Beautiful.

Fear's Function

Fear does have a certain function, mind you. It's like pain in that way - it can be helpful. Thank God for the gift of pain. When you feel it, you know to get away from whatever is causing it. In the same way when you fear, you know what to avoid. Fear can keep you from jumping off a building onto the street below, for example.

Fear not only lets you know to stay away from certain things. It lets you know what you need. If you are fearful, you don't have security. In the best case scenario, then, you would work to find just that. Donald Miller says your "insecurity rises the instant you realize you are alone." What we are looking for is relationship. When we are fearful, then, we have strayed from our most important, life-giving relationships.

The Orchids

This is a song by one of my favorite bands, Califone. It's called "The Orchids" and it's actually a cover of a Psychic TV song from the 80s. It's quite a departure from the original. Anyway, it usually has me feeling all "nostalgic." That's the only way I know how to describe it. Music, to me, is all about feel. The words and intent of the song are second, but to me, it's all about getting lost in a sea of sound.

Pushing Out Fear

I was thinking: fear is the opposite of a lot of good things. It is the opposite of faith, hope, peace and love. Let me explain. If you don't have faith that God is going to take care of you, you're afraid of what will happen. If you don't have hope that things will get better, you'll walk around pretty apprehensive. If you don't have a lot of peace in your soul, you probably are anxious about some stuff. If you don't have love, you have fear because it is only perfect loves that drives out fear.

But what am I filled up with most often? Not faith, hope, peace or love. Most often it's fear. It drives me and defines me. It's like our default position as human beings. There's a lot of it going around. Good thing God is all about faith, hope, peace and love. Something's gotta push that fear out.