Chris Garneau - Fireflies

Found this video via fork/knife. It succeeds in being hilarious and disturbing at the same time. Check it out! The artist is Chris Garneau.

Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More

Meet Mumford & Sons. Sorry, this isn't much of a video, but the song is great so I just want you to hear it. It has a great feel and the banjo player is wailing. Cheers! "Man is a giddy thing!"

Sovereignty II.I

It reminds me of this saying I saw on the wall of this substance treatment facility I used to work in. It goes like this:

“Please do not feel personally, totally, irrevocably responsible for everything. That’s my job.”

-God

That was revolutionary for me. A lot of times we go around thinking our lives are our responsibility, but if God set this whole thing into motion, ultimately, everything that happens is his to own.

Sovereignty II

More about God's "sovereignty" (which is a fancy way of saying that God is in control of everything; it means different things to different people, depending on how they think God exerts his control)...

I was thinking the other day that God might actually be more involved in my life than I thought. I think before I had this belief that God was only involved sometimes, like when I begged him to be, or when he needed to swoop in and save me from my own awful mess, or when he came in just to give me a brief consult on how to not make everything go in the crapper.

Partly because this is the way I tend to act with other people. I tend to be pretty laissez-faire. I kind of just let things go and don't act until I absolutely have to. But God is probably a little more involved than that. He's not your dad sitting on the couch watching football until you scream loud enough to get his attention. In fact, he's probably right there with you, watching what's going on in your life, focused on what you're thinking and feeling about things, but not being overly controlling...

This has changed things for me. It reminded me that this whole thing we got going on here is God's project - it's his thing. It was his idea. We are just small players working with and for him. God is including us on his thing.

Movement (Sovereignty I)

Maybe this is the wrong way to go about landing on a belief about God, but I was thinking about how I want God to be. And I was thinking about what I would want in a dad. I think a good dad has to be flexible. There is not a prescribed set of behaviors that "works" every time when dealing with your children, or anyone for that matter. You have to be willing to experiment and change what you do in any given situation. It's hard work, but it's real.

People like to go off about how they think God works - you know like "God is doing this and that in my life," and I don't know about you, but to me it makes it seem like they understand how God works every time. I just think it's hard to know what God is doing sometimes. Sometimes God is present. Sometimes he is not. Sometimes he is making things happen. Sometimes he is sitting back and waiting. Sometimes he is speaking very directly. Sometimes he is letting us figure stuff out on our own.

That's because God is personal. He's the best example of what a person should be like, so wouldn't it make sense that he would be flexible and move? If there is a prescribed set of behaviors to which he must adhere, he is no longer a personal being and we no longer have to trust him - we already know what he is going to do.

(More on sovereignty coming in the next few posts.)

Our Brokenness

Our brokenness is breathtaking. I really mean to say that my brokenness is breathtaking. You know when you get to that point in your life when you see that those you once looked up to are only human? I mean, I'm definitely ultra-critical, but it seems that most of us grow up and see the folly of our parents because we manifest it in our own lives daily.

Those you once revered become all too human in your mind. They have always been that way, but now it is clear and before it was not. I heard once about a story which I believe was told by Rabbi Edwin Friedman, who wrote Friedman's Fables. In it, the father says (in essence) to his son, "For a time I will be god to you...and then you will have to forgive me for it." May we all be so wise to forgive our parents for their folly (I know my children will need to do so with me) and forgive ourselves for the folly of believing anyone could be god to us but God.

My Cognitive Dissonance

I heard something the other day that I feel like I've heard a million times before, but it created a sort of trip in my cerebral circuitry. It was like the person who said it was speaking a different language or was from some other planet that would cause his understanding of things to be upside-down from mine. The person who said it was Donald Miller. I was listening to him talk about his new book and the thing he said was this:

"You are supposed to have negative emotions."

Yeah, that's it. I know, not that big of a deal, right? But the way I heard it punched quite a hole in my normal way of thinking. See, negative emotions, by their very nature, feel like you're not supposed to be having them. You get mad because you feel like something shouldn't have happened to you. You get sad because things aren't quite like they're supposed to be.

But Miller was saying that God allows those things in your life because you are on your way someplace, but you're not quite there yet. The difficulty comes because this is not your home and you're allowed to endure it for a purpose. It's not that God causes those things; an enemy put them there. But God definitely doesn't remove those things either.

The 3rd Most Famous Elvis

It's come time for me to introduce you to my friend Elvis Perkins. Okay, he's not really my friend (well, I guess he is in the myspace, facebook kind of way - you know, the kind of friend you've never really talked to before). Regardless, I really like his music. This particular song, "While You Were Sleeping," is quite solid lyrically and all of his music is swooningly melodic and quirky. The songs take you a while to digest, but they'll stick with you a while, too. Peace.

Intrapsychosis

The field of psychoanalysis has given us the gift of introspection. And it is a gift, for "the unexamined life is not worth living." But just as with all good things, excess is self-indulgent and painful - like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. They're good, but trust me, not if you eat like 12.

What's happening inside of you is important. It is part of the whole system of right being. Jesus talks a lot about your heart and God claims that he'll be in you if you let him. To refuse to admit that there is stuff going on inside of you, or that it affects your behavior which in turn affects others, is to deny a large part of your life.

At the same time, to believe that what's happening inside of you is the only thing going on is kind of silly. You would then be denying the importance of your interaction with others, their inner worlds, our outer world, the winds that are blowing, the entire ecosystem and what God is doing with the collection of it all.

Keep Singing

I was thinking about singing. It's hard to be a good singer. I mean there are some really good ones, and then there are some people who need a little more polishing on their vocal stylings. You've seen American Idol, right?

But have you ever seen concert footage where the entire crowd knows the words and they are singing along to some anthemic tune? I'm sure there are widely varying talent levels in those crowds when it comes to singing, but the resulting swell of the voices sounds pretty darn good. It's like the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. What the mob can do together is far better than what they could do individually.

It says something about the merit of getting lost in something greater than ourselves - in a collective consciousness, a relationship with God and others that is greater than who we can be on our own.

We Can Never Know

Man, you can really drive yourself nuts trying to figure out stuff. I mean, real neurosis springs from the drive to figure out what is happening in ourselves and in the world. There are endless books, articles, theories and discussions examining what God is doing and what we should be doing in response.

The problem is we can never really understand it all. It's fairly complicated, so it's good that a Being much more powerful than us is in charge. We sit and entertain gratuitous discourse on the meaning of life and He probably just laughs. Just think of the book of Job. Job and his friends sit and discuss the origin of suffering, the nature of God and which actions caused which outcomes and God doesn't say anything for 35-odd chapters.

Sound familiar? How many times have you heard someone say "God is doing this certain thing in my life to teach me this certain lesson?" Or, "God meant for this circumstance to occur so that the following could be true."

How do you know? Things are pretty complicated, and to say that we understand the inner workings of the cosmos, down to what exactly is happening here and now and to presume to know why is a little ridiculous sometimes.

When God does finally show up in the book of Job, he in essence takes Job on a tour of the cosmos, saying "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?" Sounds like a big, "You don't know what you're talking about, so be quiet and trust me."

I don't know, what do you think?

From A Great Height

The other morning, I was sitting on a balcony 4 stories up and I had this strange longing to throw myself off of it. Now don't call the Crisis Hotline or my therapist. I don't have a death wish or a real plan to do myself in. I just have always had a fascination with heights. The strange thing is that I am also deathly afraid of them.

It is dreadful, but I cannot stop imagining myself leaping from one precipice to another, defying the laws of gravity. When I was a kid and I sat in big church with my parents, I used to imagine jumping to and from these giant light fixtures that hung from the ceiling of the sanctuary.

I wrote about free-fall in an earlier post and I am still fascinated. To leap from a balcony or a plane or another such height would be to be absolutely free and absolutely filled with fear in the same moment. It is this place where my fear and fantasy are joined at the core.

Time

Some things just take a long time. It takes a long time to smoke meat. It takes a long time to learn to play the guitar. It takes a long time to hone the craft of writing. It takes a long time to develop a healthy relationship. It takes a long time to journey to God. You cannot expect these things to just happen for you one day without some long, drawn out, repeated rehearsal.

But I expect these things to come to me naturally and easily. Like if I want to be a rock star, then I can just dream about being a rock star and one day I will wake up on a stage, wailing in front of thousands of people. Instead, if I want to be a rock star, I should probably pick up a guitar and pluck away a few hours a day, and take some singing lessons.

In the same way, I cannot expect to have a healthy view of and relationship with God if I spend only a few minutes with him a few times a month. It just doesn't work that way. But I can choose to spend some time.

Silence

Sometimes I just wish I could be quiet. I get sick of hearing myself talk. I mean, I don't talk near as much as some people, but it just seems like to be silent for a whole day or maybe a whole week would be a sort of cleansing thing. The mystics and the monks must be onto something. I've heard it said that when a man speaks, he ceases to be at peace with his thoughts.

I get into these modes where it just seems there is nothing to say. Instead of trying to fill up the air with meaningless words, maybe I should just listen - to others, to God, and then not feel the need to respond verbally. The world would probably be a better place. I don't always have to say something.

The River

This one is for a good friend of mine. The song, "The River," by Anathallo is about a woman who gets swept away in a river and actually enjoys the experience moving toward her own end. It appears, after reading this description, that when you are aware of your own mortality and where you are headed, you are at peace and can focus on the moment (what else to do when it's your last one?).

My friend said about his brush with death that he felt something similar - it wasn't pain. He said when he became acutely aware of his imminent death, there was a certain peace that washed over him. Check it out:

Brevity

I've been thinking that life is short. Let's just say the earth is 4.6 billion years old. That means my years, if I live to be 100, will make up 0.00000217 percent of the years the earth has been in existence. I'm a flash in the pan. It's no wonder scholars used to set a skull on their workspace and artists used to illustrate them into their works. That's where we're all headed (my deepest apologies for the pathetic pun). One day you're here and moving. The next you're not.

So why not do something meaningful? I gotta tell ya, there's a lot that I do that is not very meaningful. Putting so much time and energy into how I appear to others just doesn't make a lot sense with the aforementioned perspective.

Sides

This song has been haunting me for about a week now. (It's by Justin Vernon of Bon Iver.) When I first heard it, I had no idea where it was going. Now that I know, I'm a bit sorry I know, though I know it's good to know. Listen to it and let me know what you think.

I don't know where to go with homosexuality, in that I don't know what to tell people about it - where it comes from or how to respond to it in yourself or someone you love. All I can tell you is to love - yourself and that person and whomever you can. That is surely what we all need.

Reckoner

Everything that is Radiohead's greatness - serious mood, haunting atmosphere, disorienting rhythm - and everything that makes them difficult to listen to, at times, and inaccessible.

Equilibrium

There is this great state of equilibrium that we are supposed to reach. Some call it "balance." Others might call it "peace." We fall in and out of it all the time. It's like how your thermostat tries to keep your home at a certain temperature. It's right on for a few hours and then something goes out of whack. That's because there are so many factors - the wind, how many times you have opened the door, what materials make up your home, how many people live there.

It's easy to see how things in our world shift off of center. There are so many factors. What we must do is listen and pay attention to what is happening so that we can make adjustments when we get off center. You know that sensation of pain, that feeling that something's not quite right, that feeling that the world could be a better place? That's the world and the Man in charge telling you something. Something must be done to right the ship.

Prayer

Sometimes I feel worse after I pray. I mean, I'd love to tell you that every time I pray that I end up feeling like a great person. Sometimes that happens because I feel good about myself for doing something (praying) that I was supposed to do. That in itself has its own problems.

Spending time with God has a certain effect: it lets you realize how screwed up you are. It's like me playing basketball against Lebron James. I'd look like quite a schmuck. When I spend time with God, my whole idea that I walk around with quite a bit - that I'm pretty alright and I have a few peckadillos I need to iron out - is ruined. Spending time with God shows me that I have some serious crap to address. Only He is good.

Hymn #101

This is just a well-written song. The whole thing. It's called "Hymn #101." Songwriters (this is Joe Pug) and songs like this don't come around all that often. Listen, you'll see what I mean.

I Can't Get No...

I'm never satisfied. It's a real disease.

I'm always trying to push things forward and do the most important thing ever in the history of the world. The problem is that what God has for me might not be that. It might just be to clean toilets or wash cars for the rest of my life. I need to be alright with that, but I'm usually not.

And when I try to make up something for myself to do that is the most important thing ever, it doesn't end up being the most important thing...ever. It's just a feeble attempt by me to be and feel important and useful.

The only reason I'm useful is because God says I am - because he made me to do something specific. If I do that, then I'll be doing the most important thing ever in the history of the world - being faithful to what God asks.

The Middle East - The Darkest Side

One of my favorite songs, probably of all time, words and all: "The Darkest Side" by The Middle East. I think they are describing love: "It's the darkest side of my heart that dies when you come to me/And it's the golden ticket I win when you kill my enemies...Oh, when I die I'm alive/When I lose I find my identity...Love, it was alive in the olden days/Been put to death in this golden age/By a color TV."

Beautiful.

Fear's Function

Fear does have a certain function, mind you. It's like pain in that way - it can be helpful. Thank God for the gift of pain. When you feel it, you know to get away from whatever is causing it. In the same way when you fear, you know what to avoid. Fear can keep you from jumping off a building onto the street below, for example.

Fear not only lets you know to stay away from certain things. It lets you know what you need. If you are fearful, you don't have security. In the best case scenario, then, you would work to find just that. Donald Miller says your "insecurity rises the instant you realize you are alone." What we are looking for is relationship. When we are fearful, then, we have strayed from our most important, life-giving relationships.

The Orchids

This is a song by one of my favorite bands, Califone. It's called "The Orchids" and it's actually a cover of a Psychic TV song from the 80s. It's quite a departure from the original. Anyway, it usually has me feeling all "nostalgic." That's the only way I know how to describe it. Music, to me, is all about feel. The words and intent of the song are second, but to me, it's all about getting lost in a sea of sound.

Pushing Out Fear

I was thinking: fear is the opposite of a lot of good things. It is the opposite of faith, hope, peace and love. Let me explain. If you don't have faith that God is going to take care of you, you're afraid of what will happen. If you don't have hope that things will get better, you'll walk around pretty apprehensive. If you don't have a lot of peace in your soul, you probably are anxious about some stuff. If you don't have love, you have fear because it is only perfect loves that drives out fear.

But what am I filled up with most often? Not faith, hope, peace or love. Most often it's fear. It drives me and defines me. It's like our default position as human beings. There's a lot of it going around. Good thing God is all about faith, hope, peace and love. Something's gotta push that fear out.

Connection

I've been thinking about how profound it is that we need each other. Now, some people will tell you that we don't really need each other - that relationships are an icing-on-the-cake kind of deal. "They're nice and we definitely have fuller lives if we have them, but they're not absolutely necessary for survival." Well, tell me how an infant would survive if it had no one to feed it when it cried.

And it's not just that we need each other to provide for our physical needs. I'm thinking that if you were left alone, you'd go crazy. We need other minds to "organize" our own. When an infant is not even a year old, it has done enough needing of others that it has begun to form an idea of how people respond to it - whether they are available and caring or not. That is what builds our view of ourselves and the world. How cool is that, that we are built that way - to seek each other out and connect? To see if there is someone out there to whom we matter?

You and Me

It's important in the midst of conflict or struggle to look at ourselves and figure out if there is anything in us that might have caused the conflict/rift/upheaval. It's equally as important to remember that just as there is always something sinful in my body and being, there is something sinful in the other's body and being that is causing the conflict/rift/upheaval.

That means that it's wise to take some responsibility, but not total responsibility in any given situation. There's a sign in the substance abuse treatment center that I used to work in that reads this way: "Do not feel totally, personally, irrevocably responsible for everything. That's my job. - God". There's some perspective.

Bon Iver

This was easily the best thing that came out last year: Bon Iver's album For Emma, Forever Ago. And since now I have started posting the most excellent tracks I have ever heard, I must post one track from it here (it's called "RE:Stacks"). The whole record is surely worth a listen or a hundred. It has a flow, but the tracks also coalesce and become distinct, enough for the tracks to each stand on their own. Some words to describe Justin Vernon's music and words: gentle, tuneful, soulful. This music surely is happening in a time and a place. It has a feel and an atmosphere.

You As A Whole

We're much more integrated beings than we think. We, however, tend to divide ourselves up into sections: mind/body/feeling/spirit. Like we say that we're doing fine physically, but we're really stressed about something. The truth is that when you're messed up in your head, your body takes the hit, too. You know how you get sick when you've been real stressed out?

These different aspects of ourselves are just smaller systems in a larger, meta-system. Each interacts with the other. Evidence: I am much more susceptible to negative thoughts about myself and even about God when I am tired, hungry, anxious, stressed. I know the physical doesn't matter as much (a lot of it might not be around forever), but in Jesus, there is the reconciliation of God and man. God put on flesh. Jesus provided for physical needs and spiritual ones. I'm guessing he cares about our emotional selves and our intellect as well.

Did it.

Alright sweet. I'm going to post songs you can stream and listen to while you read and contemplate. I promise I'll never post stuff that's not great and I don't absolutely love. imeem.com actually has stuff I listen to (much indie), so I choose their widget. [Update: Actually, after this post, I switched to seeqpod because I like their player (it's less bulky and ad-focused]

This is a good one to start with. The track is "Blood" by The Middle East. It's super hard to find anything on them, but their album The Recordings of The Middle East is well worth just about any amount of work.

The Middle East - Blood